I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize