WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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