I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
