I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
