allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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