I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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