When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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