Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
