hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
