Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
