You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
