so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize