I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
