i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
