does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
