I met the friendliest cop last night
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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