do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
