My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
