two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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