highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
