During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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