Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
