If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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