I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
