there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
