Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
