You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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