just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize