thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
last night I used snow as a chaser
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
