I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
