Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
