I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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