I want to make a zoo with you.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
