Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
