Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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