I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
