I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
