make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
