It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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