her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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