It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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