someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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