so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you didnt know i had herpes?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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