Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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