cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize