to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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