so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
