be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
