I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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