It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
too bad you live with your parents still
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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