it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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