No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
