I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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