I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
