Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just threw up on my dentist
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
