I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We had to coat check the pizza.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
