If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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