i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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