I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you had me at cake vodka
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize