so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
